Sorry to be a killjoy, but saving some ghastly calamity it now seems that you and your Coalition mates are on the way to the political wasteland. Tony Abbott has done you in.
Actually, that’s a little unfair to Tony. The downhill slide really began when you chose not to go to the polls straight after you gave him the push. You would have won a famous victory, Malcolm, and left him without a feather to fly. Shorn of any future in Australian politics he’d have been happy with your offer of High Commissioner to the Court of Saint James. Exit Tony, back to the land of his birth, never to be heard from again. And the reactionaries could go jump.
Instead you ignored the lessons of history – vide Julia Gillard – and look where that got you – back in the Lodge by the skin of your teeth, your wallet a million bucks lighter, and the reactionaries on the rampage. And here’s the thing – you love being prime minister so much that you’ll do anything to keep them happy. You’ll abandon everything you used to stand for – from serious action on climate change to the republic to marriage equality – just so you can show the family (and the mirror) that you did what you said you would all those years ago. ‘Made it, Ma! Top of the world!’ And just like Jimmy Cagney in that old Warner Brothers movie, for a few more moments at the top you’d even pander to an old copper like Peter Dutton with a ‘super ministry’.
Honestly! Peter Dutton!
To justify it, you said you’d modelled it on the British Home Office. So, how’s that working out for the Brits, Malcolm? Do you really want us to emulate their record of bus bombs, knife attacks and car killings?
I’ll tell you how bad it is. Awful Bill Shorten is starting to look like a viable alternative PM. Not for his personal qualities (such as they are) but because he and his team are on the right side of history, while you don’t really have a team, just a bunch of boofheads who look more like the NSW rugby league boys in the last five minutes of an Origin match – a hopeless rabble.
Now I don’t want to be altogether negative, so let’s see what’s to be done to turn it all around? It’s a toughie, Malcolm. You’re so deep in the political ooze that it would take a Wonder Woman to pull you out. And I’m afraid she’s otherwise engaged. There’s always Lucy of course. We’ve hardly seen or heard from her since she took us on that very short tour of The Lodge…
(Much later) Sorry, mate; I’ve wracked my brains and I’m stumped. Security stuff won’t do it; there’s no more boats to stop and you can’t complain about the debt and deficit because now it’s yours. It really looks as though you’ve done your dash. But at least there’s the sliver of a silver lining: you only need to stick around for another month as PM and you’ll have outlasted Tony! In these days of the prime ministerial passing parade, Malcolm, that’s something.
All the best